A Little Less Assuming, A Little More Listening

In many instances of our lives, we may have extended a helping hand to those we perceived to be in need, stepping in with the sincere belief that our efforts would bring them some relief.

Sometimes it would be out of a sense of duty or simply out of sheer kindness and empathy.

And that is a good thing. The world is a better place with some love and warmth around us.

We have some preconceived notions about what exactly is good for others. Our family, our acquaintances, our kids, friends and everyone we hold close. We have some presumptions about their wants, cravings, desires and wishes. And we arrive at what we consider is  the best solution.

But what if that’s not the case.

We often overlook what people are asking for. Even if they have said it plainly. We miss the point. The point where they felt unsafe, the moment where they needed space or the time when they told you they were hurting. 

We tend to notice and interpret information in ways that fit what we already believe. If we have decided that someone is being dramatic, ungrateful, or overly sensitive, we may dismiss their words even when they clearly express a genuine need.

Is it because we still hold an outdated picture of who they are, no matter how much we love them? The strong girl is still expected to hold herself together, as though she has never known vulnerability. The timid child is still seen as shy, even after growing into someone far more confident. We continue to relate to the person we once knew, forgetting that people grow, change, and become versions of themselves we may not yet have learnt to recognise.

Also sometimes we are so immersed and caught up in social norms and cultural expectations that we cannot see beyond them. Or maybe understanding would require us to change something. The change that we are not ready to make.

A sick person would want some privacy than the fresh fruits you bring them. A new mom would appreciate an extra pair of hands more than the gifts you bring the child. A friend who has made a mistake might need someone who can listen without judgement. Someone who has withdrawn from social gatherings might need you to understand their exhaustion. Your own child might have dreams and aspirations that look nothing like the life you have envisioned for them.

This is why listening matters, more precisely attunement matters. The ability to tune in to another person's emotional state and respond to what they actually need. We can hear someone's words without understanding their experience. But what good does that do? 

Sometimes just listening and assuring them that ‘I hear you and understand you would be enough. Sometimes, a person just needs to feel heard, without having to explain themselves over and over again or defend why they feel the way they do. Solutions can come later. First, let them know that their feelings have found a place to land.

Help offered is meaningful only when it reaches the person the way they truly need it. Otherwise it becomes a well-intentioned futile effort. We may walk away feeling good about doing our part but the person who received it may be left feeling more confused than comforted by it.

The question is not simply whether we are willing to help, but whether we are willing to understand before we do. To pause and to listen.

The most thoughtful thing we can do is not to step in with an answer, but to make room for someone to tell us what would truly help.